The Stormtrooper Chronicles
by shebaismydog
Summary: Based on 3 Sandtroopers that you see in Episode IV, this is a look at the Boys -in-white who hold up the base of Imperial rule in the galaxy. Rated for implied "Things" in content, but these are never written about. A humorous outlook on the stormtroopers
1. Chapter 1

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Hello, this is a comedy based on the lives of Stormtrooper's throughout the Original Trilogy. We all know these characters, but there are very few Fanfics about them. So, I present to you The Stormtrooper Chronicles (Please Review, thank-you)

The author does not own Star Wars or anything in it, and if someone who does decides that this shouldn't be up and tells me, I would be happy to oblige.

"This sucks, we're posted on Tatooine to "Look for some plans" I mean, come _on _what plans? How are we even supposed to know what the plans are we're searching for? And _Then _some random ship blasts off from a hangar bay, killing everyone else, and _We're _supposed to find these plans on our own?" Said one of the Sandtroopers, staring at his commanding officer, it was not the first time he had brought this point up.

"yeah, tell me about it, I'm supposed to be on the fast-track to being an officer, and how am I supposed to get that promotion if I'm stuck here, searching for plans that have probably already _Left _the planet?" the other said, wiping a bit of dust that had caught on his visor. It was then that he noticed the shiningly-white figure approaching them.

The flight to Mos Eisley had taken hours, and finally he had left the cargo ship, walking past the thousands of legal and not-so-legal residents that crowded round the spaceports at midday, he wondered if he could get a snack and a drink from one of the many famous (More like infamous, he thought) cantinas that were scattered around. It was thinking this, that the Shistavanen mercenary almost walked into a patrol of Sandtroopers, he dove behind a nearby crate, wondering if they had pursued him from Naboo, or wherever else he had recently had some less-than-legal dealings.

"Hey, you in the white armour!" one of them called, a sergeant by the colour of his shoulder-pad

"Yeah?" replied the quickly approaching Sandy, as local slang had them.

"You the new Rookie?" The reply came back, all of the Sandtroopers were standing together now.

"How'd you know?" said the rookie, as he had been called.

"Hmmm... lesse, your blaster is a non-modified E-11, you are wearing brand new armour which has barely touched any sand, but most of all, I think the big "ROOKIE" emblazoned on the chest piece of your armour gave me a small hint" replied the Sergeant

"Oh, right, when you put it that way, it _does _seem pretty obvious" Rookie said, the Shistavanen wondered about leaving his small hiding place, it did after all smell of Nerf errrrmmmm... Mess.

"Got anything to do 'round here? Any criminal's to arrest?" said the Rookie, eager to get started.

"Look, Rookie, if you were to start arresting criminals in Mos Eisley, you had better have more than just three officers who only have a pair of 'cuffs each" The sergeant said.

"Well maybe if we had a forth pair and lured one of these luscious twi'lek's over..." the corporal said.

"Samson NO! We are not having another incident like that _again_. Ever." The Sergeant said.

"Why not?" Samson, the newly identified corporal said.

"Because it's not funny having to deal with a requisition form that says: "Reason for extra supplies: To handcuff a Twi'lek to a bed and..."" The sergeant shot back.

"Oh, yeah, would you believe me if I said somebody else did it?" Samson enquired

"WHO ELSE COULD HAVE DONE IT!? WE'RE THE ONLY SANDTROOPERS OUT HERE!" the sergeant yelled at his subordinate.

"Ohhh... yeah" Samson said, putting a pen that had miraculously appeared in his hand away.

"Ummm... isn't anyone going to ask me my name?" the Rookie asked

"Shut up Rookie, we don't _want _to know, you'll be dead in a few days and it would just be a useless piece of information" said the sergeant

"then what would my tombstone read?" Rookie enquired of the two older troopers

"Oh, I don't know, maybe "Here lies an idiot"?, that's pretty catchy" Samson said

"I love it! We'll use that" Sergeant said

"Well can you tell me your names then?" the Rookie said

"I'm Sanders, this here is Samson" said the Sergeant, indicating himself and his corporal

"Ok then, I'm Private Kimmy Redshirt" said the Rookie

"Wait... you're a _GIRL!?_" Sanders yelled

"No wonder she didn't want to take part in that Twi'lek thing" Samson said

"Shut up Samson" Sanders said

"Yeah, can't you tell by my voice?" Kimmy said

"Dude, we're speaking through _Helmets _and _Radios_ our voices sound a lot alike." Samson said

"What's wrong with me being a girl?" Kimmy asked

"Huh? Oh nothing, I just didn't realise they were still recruiting girls, I thought they stopped that after that crazy assistant to Palpatine gave that "Girls make worse troopers then men" speech, it had stopped" Sanders said

"Oh, yeah, well, I was held back in the academy" Kimmy said

"WHY!?" Sanders asked, afraid of what the answer might be.

"Well, I was in the first "Fight the trainer" thing, and I didn't _realise _that you're not supposed to win it, plus, that sexist idiot was assassinated in an incident involving a Hot Poker, a latrine, two barrels of hot wax and some torture implements." Kimmy explained simply.

"Kinky" Samson said

"Samson, shut up." Sanders ordered.

"So now what?" Samson enquired,

"I dunno, let's hit the tavern's or something" Sanders replied

_How am I going to escape?_ The Shistavanen wondered, the Sandtroopers were slowly heading closer to his position

Suddenly, a nearby building exploded in a spectacular, well... explosion.

"WHAT THE F#K WAS THAT!?" Sanders yelled over the roaring and screaming of pedestrians

"Calm down, it was probably jus-" Even though Samson was barely heard over the din, he stopped at the sight of seven baster bolts flying through the air towards them. All three Sandtroopers drew their weapons, and started pumping lasers into the general direction of the explosion.

The Shistavanen left and went to a Mos Eisley docking bay

"Hey Wolfey, ya ready to go?" said the captain of the ship, entitled the Gold Wolf, that was in the hangar bay

"Dude, you will not _BElLIEVE _what just happened!" Wolfey, the now-identified Shistavanen said.

So, what did you think? Please review, thank-you.


	2. Chapter 2: Cake

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Hello, this is a comedy based on the lives of Stormtrooper's throughout the Original Trilogy. We all know these characters, but there are very few Fanfics about them. So, I present to you The Stormtrooper Chronicles (Please Review, thank-you)

The author does not own Star Wars or anything in it, and if someone who does decides that this shouldn't be up and tells me, I would be happy to oblige.

"Ok, so we're out here,"

"Yes."

"And we're going in there"

"Yes"

"Where everything just exploded"

"Yes?"

"In a town full of Terrorists and murderers"

"Samson, did I tell you to explain all of my plans to me!? I already know 'EM! I may as well have made them!"

"Oh, really? I thought you said they came from the Star Destroyer"

"Do you honestly think that thing would stay on this planet? Next of all you'll tell me that they don't want us to kill you in a "Friendly fire" incident, and blame it on the rookie?"

"Wait, What?"

"Nothing, now let's go!" With this, Sanders and Samson proceeded to the flames, the new recruit tagging along behind.

"Sooooo… You're telling me nothing happened?" said Sanders

"Yes officer" said the bartender

"At all."

"Yes officer" behind him, a man screamed and ran round in circles, slowly burning to death.

"And you're sure?"

"_YES _officer"

"Ok then, squad, back to base" Sanders began to leave, when Samson grabbed his lapel

"Sarge, something did happen, this bar is on fire!" he indicated the charred-blackened corpse on the floor

"Son, are you calling this bartender a liar?"

"No sir"

"That's good, now let's go!" and with this, Sanders rounded a corner and headed off.

"Stupid Empire, gimme a Lightsaber and I could make a _waaaay_ better New Order then this." Samson muttered as he followed the leader.

Kimmy waited behind, eager to explore the streets of the city, she began to roam the streets.

A sign in front of her, old with well, old-iness bore the legend: "DON'T GO NEAR THE PIT OF CARKOON"

"Hmmm… Pit of Cakekoon? Mmmmm… Cake…" She said.

"Ummm… Kimmy? It says CARKOON, as in Sarlacc which slowly digests you" Samson remarked, having gone back to see where the rookie was.

"So it's a BIG cake? Let's go!" and with that, Kimmy charged off in the general direction the sign was pointing.

"Huh, I wonder if I'm the only sane person in the whole galaxy?" and with that thought, Samson charged off.

"Hehehe… Twi'Lek cuffs, When you don't have enough normal ones!" he joked to himself. Following which, he tripped into a huge pit in the middle of the Jundland wastes…

So, What do you think? Please review, I welcome your comments and ideas.


	3. Chapter 2 and 12: An informal request

Thanks to my readers, and reviewers, if you haven't reviewed please do.

Once again, I have failed to own Star Wars, so therefore if someone who owns Star Wars wants me to take it down, I will do so.

-- (Stupid line-thing doesn't seem to work, so just imagine one here please.)

LETTER ADDRESSED TO OFFICIAL REQUEST BUREAU, CORUSCANT, GALACTIC CENTER

NAME: Frank L. Samson

RANK: Corporal, Stormtrooper (Sandtrooper division)

REQUEST: An extra three pairs of Handcuffs

REASON: To kidnap a Twi'lek and handcuff them to a bed

.

.

GRANTED.

--

A bit short, but just couldn't get the idea out of my head, already working on Chapter 3, thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 209: Now we've lost track!

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Thanks for your reviews, I am very glad that you have taken the time to review, and if you haven't please would you? Thanks.

Yep, I STILL don't own anything Star Wars, and will remove if Mr Lucas wants me to. Y'know the average disclaimer.

.

.

.

"Is it just me, or does it seem that something suspensful happens every few minutes, and turn out to be nothing?" Said Samson, having climbed out of the pothole to discover the Recruit eating a cake.

"Ah, who cares" he finished, and sat down to join the cake-eating session.

"Munch Munch Munch"

"Wait, Munch Munch Munch? Rookie, you're not actually eating the cake are you!?"

"No."

"Then what are you doing?" Samson picked up a slice, and bit off a piece.

"Waiting" Samson swallowed the bite

"For what?"

"The sleeping drugs to work."

"Wha shhleepy dru's?" Samson fell unconscious.

"He he he." the recruit laughed, very maniacally (Does that even work!?).

.

.

.

Mmmm... The pit of Cakekoon" said someone, and ran off in the direction that the sign pointed to, closely followed by another person.

A Sandtrooper Recruit rounded the corner

"I wonder where Samson got to?" She asked, looking around

"Ah well..." She headed back to base camp.

.

.

.

.

If you listen closely you could hear what sounded very much like a scream. No not THAT sort of scream, you sicken me.

.

.

.

What did you think? Please review, thanks.


	5. Chapter 4: Mommy, why is the sky pink?

The Stormtrooper Chronicles.

Chapter 4 (Or possibly 5, maybe 6)

.

(I'm pretty sure it's 700 now I come to think about it.)

Once again, I do not own Star Wars, And if whoever does wants me to take this down, I will.

.

.

Watching from above, you might see a lone Sandtrooper running from a very large valley, and if you strain your ears, you might here his war cry:

"OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!!"

Or perhaps, you might not.

.

.

"Where've you been corporal!?" Saunders yelled at Samson, who was panting after having run towards them at speeds previously thought impossible.

"Almost... Taken... advantage...by... crazy cake-woman thing..."

"Do you mean "You almost took advantage of crazy stripper in a cake"?"

"No... Almost... Opposite.. Way... round..." Samson panted

"Serves you right." Said the rookiee, Samson screamed when he heard her voice and ran away.

"What was all that about?" She wondered, watching the retreating form of Samson.

"I have no earthly idea" Saunders replied

"Now how am I gonna tell him we're moving to Hoth?" He finished

"Why do they call it Hoth anyway? They should call it "Coldth" Bu-dum Chissshh!!"

.

.

If you were watching from above, you might see the figure of what looks like a Sandtrooper Sergeant chasing after the other, yelling something like:

"WAAAIT! TAKE ME WITH YOOOUUUU!" Or perhaps, you might not. You might in fact be busy wondering what you're doing in the depths of my imagination... MWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

.

.

So, What did you think? Sorry it's short, I'm really busy this month, but please review.


	6. Chapter INFINITY: Of IcePlanets and

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Once again I don't own Star Wars, not yet anyway... So therefore if George Lucas requests for me to remove this then I will.

.

Sorry about the long update, my computer temporarily stopped working. Oh well, on with the story.

.

.

The ice planet loomed into view of the transporter ship, leaving the newly-appointed snowtroopers in awe of the vastness of it. In fact, it left only one trooper in awe, the others it left in states of "SNOWBALL FIGHT!!" and "But there are no chicks on an Ice Planet!" so, with one trooper in awe of the planet below, they began to crash-land "Wait, what!?" I'm sorry, I mean land safely...

.

.

"Recruit, set up a perimiter"

"Yes sir"

"Samson, establish a base camp"

"Do what with a who-now?"

"MAKE A CAMP!"

"Hey, I signed on to fight terrorists, not to join a futuristic cub-scout organization"

"You set up a base, or I'll jam this turret so far up your a-"

"GUYS! I found something!" the Recruit's yell distracted Samson and Saunders from their argument, and made them run full-pelt towards her position.

.

.

"What have you found!?" enquired Saunders, as Samson attempted to catch his breath

"I found... some strange white frozen stuff!"

"Yeah, it's called Snow,"

"No no no, some _Other _strange white frozen stuff!" she exclaimed

"Other strange white frozen stuff? listen, all there is here is snow. Snow, Ice, a secret rebel base where Luke Skywalker, son of Anakin Skywalker who is now Darth Vader is hiding, attempting to learn the ways of the force on his own, until an encounter where Vader joins the lightside and kills palpatine, and more snow." Samson replied.

"Wait wha-?"

"There's just snow here! ignore anything else I may/may not have said!"

"O-k then, but it's strange, big, got ice on it, and white"

"I know something that's big, white, but it's way too hot for ice to freeze on it!"

"Samson, shut up!"

"Sorry."

The recruit pointed at a rather large frozen bundle next to her

"Look!, there it is, see!?, I found something that no-one else has ever seen before!"

"That's a Wampa, rookiee, you find them on Ice planets, they rip apart anything in their way and then eat it. Wait, where did you go?"

.

.

.

ON TATOOINE!

"Package for a mister Samson? Marked "Reinforced Twi'lek handcuffs"? anyone here? helll-ooooo?"

.

.

So what did you think? please review and tell me. Thanks in advance.


	7. Chapter 7: No name

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Sorry again for the long update, I've had a lot of things to do recently.

.

This is in memory of my dog, Sheba, who died two weeks ago.

.

.

Don't own Star Wars, if I did, Midi-Chlorians wouldn't exist, or would they? (But seriously, they are useless, they could just say "He is strong in the force" And it has the same effect.)

.

.

"Do you... Do you think we lost them?" Samson said, his teeth chattering from the cold.

"Yeah, but one question..." Saunders said, watching his corporal

"What?"

"Why are you so cold?"

"Look, we're wearing Plastic ant vinyl on a planet made of _ICE_, how else am I supposed to be?"

"Two- che"

"What?" Chimed in the rookiee

"What?" Saunders enquired

"Do you mean Toochey?"

"No, he means Touche!"

"I'm telling you it's Two-che!"

"Yeah but I think it's-"

.

.

.

Thank you for your reviews, and if you haven't please do. Thanks.


	8. Chapter 8: Of Banthas and midnight games

The Stormtrooper Chronicles: An Epic Encounter, (Or, Time for a Joint! (or or: Midi-whatsits? (or or or…)))

Lesse, am I George Lucas? (Checks in mirror) Guess not, why hello there, reflection, you doing anything tonight?

I do not own Star Wars.

.

.

.

"If I were a Bantha, I wouldn't need to do all of this..." mumbled Samson as he scraped some of the snow from the gutter of the new imperial base on Hoth.

"They'd be all like "Do this" and "do that" and I'd be like "mmmmrrrnup?" because I'd totally be a bantha, and that'd be fuckin' sweet!" he continued ranting to himself, third guttering cleared,

"And another thing, why do I have to do all of this? It's so stupid! I'd rather be out there, hunting Solo and the Kid..." Thinking about the duty roster and the significantly _lower _crew list in the Super Star Destroyer Executor, he ammended

"Perhaps not."

"What're you doin' up there corporal?" Saunders yelled from ground-level, starring up at the lone figure in the white - (Or not so white, if you count the blaster marks, and sewage deposits scattered around,) - snow.

"mmmmmmmrnup?"

"Samson, for the last time You. Are. Not. A. Bantha."

"mmmmrrrnup"

"Do I have to spell it out for you, you are not a small rodent"

""small"? Heh, I know something that some have called a small rodent!"

"Samson, that doesn't even make sense!"

"Oh yes it does, it's small and it burrows and-"

"Samson, just do whatever the hell it was you were just doing."

"Yes sir."

.

.

.

Some Time later, Samson and the recruit were sitting under the glorious sun.

"Sure is beautiful tonight" Samson said, gazing at the stars

"Yeah" breathed the Recruit, she was also staring at the stars.

"Heh, but not as beautiful as you," Samson said

"mmm-hmmm" she giggled at his statement.

"Heh, wanna... y'know?"

"Ok, but first a little "foreplay""

"What kind!?" asked Samson eagerly

"you strip off, and I'll strip off too, you close your eyes, and I'll hide, then you find me"

"OK!" Samson agreed, and they both removed their clothing.

"Count down from ten" said the recruit close to his ear.

Ten seconds later, Samson turned round to find his clothes, the recuit's, and the recruit herself missing.

"Well... Shi-..."

(Ack, come on, you didn't really think I'd turn it into that kind of fic, did you? though of course, I would write that kind if enough people asked. Haha.)

.

.

.

The recruit sat in her velvet dressing gown in fornt of a fire and laughed as she heard Samsons four-letter expletive filter through the roof, The Game Was On...

.

.

.

So what did you think? like it or hate it, I'd be pleased to hear from you. also I would like to thank all of you who have reviewed so far.


	9. Chapter 9: Payback

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

I do not own Star Wars, regardless of my amazing mirror reflection... ooo, so shiny

Chapter 9 Payback

PREVIOUSLY

"Grrr... I'll get her for this" Muttered Samson as he crawled through the ice-cold ventalation shafts.

.

.

.

The Recruit, Kimmy, sat laughing at the television screen, watching Samson's futile attempts to escape...

AND NOW

Samson laughed as he stared at what he had dragged from the forsaken Wampa's cave, it was _perfect _for what he had in mind. 12:04 O'clock, adn time was almost right, he crept along the corridor, and waited.

.

.

.

Kimmy got up and yawned, she was tired, and her pinky-purpley rabbit pyjamas were crumpled from her sleep. Stepping out of bed, she walked along the floor, to her bathroom, she walked along and stepped inside, grabbed her glass and ran the tap, making sure the door was closed...

.

.

.

He placed the... the... _thing _and ran, all the way through the two stories of the base to his room, accidentaly bumping into Saunders on the way up.

"Samson, where's the fire!?" he yelled at his subordinate

"Over there!" Samson yelled and ran away at full pelt, leaving Saunders behind

"Wha-where?" Saunders replied looking for the source of the imaginary fire.

A few minutes later, a covered in a mixture of yellow-ish liquid and brown lumps Kimmy stormed out of her room, looking more then slightly furious.

"Where is he!?" She yelled at Saunders.

"Who?" Saunders yelled back.

"OOOOO! It's not over yet Samson! NOT BY A LONG WAY!" Kimmy half-growled, half-screamed at the walls, Saunders stepped into a side alley and wondered if there was a way for him to escape from this torment...

.

.

.

So, thanks to all you who have reviewd, or bookmarked this story, or ANYTHING! And if you haven't, please do. You know how desperate we fanfiction writers are for any type of praise...


	10. Chapter 10: Sweet revenge

The Stormtrooper Chronicles.

chapter 10: Furthest to the wall

I do not own Star Wars, and no amount of anything will make that a lie.

.

.

.

Kimmy shook with unspoken rage (Yes, I am going to refer to the Recruit with her name from now on.) It was her seventh shower of the day, and she _still _couldn't get the smell of that lousy bantha's little "Trick" off her.

Her short blonde hair had been scrubbed so furiously that her scalp thudded with pain, and she despised everything that even irked her slightly, she was, to put it mildly, Pissed Off.

"Hey, Samson said to give you this note!" Saunders voice came muffled from behind the door, slipping the note under the small hole at the bottom. Kimmy got out of the shower, looked around and decided there was no need for modesty in an empty room, grabbing the small note, she read what was written inside, in a font written in italics.

_Kimmy,_

She read,

_I wish to apologise for my recent blunders, I have been mean to you and I hope you can forgive me._

Kimmy punched the air triumphantly, She'd won!

_As such I have sent all of your clothes, armour, and towels to a laundry and armour cleaner on Coruscant,_

_Hoping this finds you in the best of health,_

_Samson._

She screamed with incoherrent rage as she realised her towel was missing from it's hook, and ran straight out of the door, sliding across the metal floor, she met the outside corridor with a rather loud THUD. It all went dark.

.

.

.

Samson awoke from his slumber to find his underwear and Pyjamas not on him, carefully looking around, he found a note written in a cirsove script

_Samson,_

_I wish to apologise for my recent blunders, I have been mean to you and I hope you can forgive me._

_As such I have sent all of your clothes, armour, and towels to a laundry and armour cleaner on Coruscant,_

_Hoping this finds you in the best of health,_

_Kimmy,_

He growled and ran out of the door, he'd get that runt. As he ran he met a saucepan with a resounding CLANG!

.

.

.

_Suckers _ Saunders thought as he dragged Samson into the same room he had placed Kimmy into earlier, _Didn't even think of checking, just ran out there, stark naked_ He laughed as he placed them into the room together, a room in the prison block...

.

.

.

Thank You for reviewing, I am glad you have enjoyed this story as much as I am enjoying writing it.

Please review, because we fanfic-ers thrive on them. and thanks for reading, my amount may be significantly less over the next few weeks, as I intend to release a double-part Christmas eve & Christmas day episode, and what capers will those lovable rascals get up to? Stay tuned for more.


	11. Chapter 11: Untitled title

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Chapter something or other

I do not own Star anything else.

.

.

.

Samson awoke with a grown and found himself in a small closed-off concrete cell with his least favourite person of all. moving slightly, he also realized that A) He was Naked, B) So was she and, finally, C) she was lying across his lap, in what would probably be a very erotic position. he groaned as he realised his choices were limited to either attempting to move her, her waking up, thinking he was doing something else, and slapping him, or letting her lie there and wake up, discover the position she was lying in, and thump him. He chose option 2, and so he waited.

.

.

.

Kimmy awoke with a feeling similar to that of those who have been drinking a lot recently. she looked up, the floor she was lying on was chilly under her naked butt. wiat, rewind _Naked _butt!? What had happened to her clothes!?!?!? she then made the worst decision of her life, and looked up. she came face-to-face with Samson, who was equally naked, she screamed and punched him in the face. she wheeled around and jumped up

"Where have you put my clothes you pervert!" She shrieked, trying to cover herself up.

"I don't know, I don't know how we ended up here or anything else!" he yelled back

"LIAR!" Kimmy yelled, and reachhed for something to throw at him...

.

.

.

Saunders laughed, as yet they hadn't noticed him sitting behind the cell's bars, but now that things were getting, for want of a better word on this, cold ice-planet, heated, he had betteer step in.

"Eh-hem" he coughed, causing Kimmy and Samson to look his way.

"What!" they both yelled, distracted.

"I don't know who did what, all I know is, I found you in a slightly-melted patch of snow outside, and I don't care what you did that involved so much movement that you melted the snow" He lied, Samson and Kimmy grew red and pink respectively, and he continued

"But what I do know is that I'm not letting you out until you kiss" he said, inside, his inner demon was his evilness.

"WHAT!?" they both yelled, staring evilly at him.

"You heard me, Kiss. Now, or I will remind you that you are iin a freezing cold cell on an ice planet, naked. at this Samson quivered and put his hands over his crotch, and Kimmy flushed and covered her frozen nipples.

They leaned over and kissed each other, and at that moment, the cell opened, and Kimmy ran, her facew bright pink, out of the cell...

.

.

.

That's the end of the chapter, the Christmas edition is ready to roll, hopefully on Christmas eve and Day, if you happen to be online then. thank-you for reading and please review.


	12. Christmas Special Part 1: A poem

The Stormtrooper chronicles, on the twelve days of Christmas

I do not own Star Wars, or the poem Twelve days of Christmas, I merely messed them up.

.

.

.

.

.

On the first day of Christmas, my true lvoe gave to me:

A Stormtrooper and a Bantha att-ack

.

.

On the second day of Christmas, My true love gave to me,

Two exploding bars,

A Stormtrooper and a Bantha att-ack

.

.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Three Tusken Tantrums,

Two exploding bars,

A Stormtrooper and a Bantha att-ack

.

.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Four Terrifiying Tricks,

Three Tusken Tantrums,

Two exploding bars,

A Stormtrooper and a Bantha att-ack

.

.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Five Samson's singing,

Four Terrifiying Tricks,

Three Tusken Tantrums,

Two exploding bars,

A Stormtrooper and a Bantha att-ack...

.

.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Six Severed limbs,

Five Samson's singing,

Four Terrifiying Tricks,

Three Tusken Tantrums,

Two exploding bars,

A Stormtrooper and a Bantha att-ack

.

.

On the Seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

A gift certificate to return all of those things...


	13. Christmas Special Part 2

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Christmas Edition: Christmas Eve

I do not own Star Wars, or any christmas songs used in this. Or Final Fantasy VII, or The night before Christmas poem/book/story/song thing.

The Christmas Eve edition of the Stormtrooper Chornicles. This one goes out to all you christmas-fans on the internet on the day before the big day!

(Slight crossover with the christmas editions of my other fics, but it's barely anything.)

...

.

...

"_So here it is, merry christmas! everybody's having fun_" Kimmy stood humming along to the music as she hung a baubel on the tree, in the deserted (Or should it besnow-erted HaHa!) Echo base hangar.

"Tree was a bit late this year." she mused, turning to face Saunders who was sitting near by.

"Hey, why don't you help up here!" Kimmy yelled down, Saunders relaxed in the chair, putting his feet up on a box of christmas decorations.

"I told you, I'm helping in an _Administrative and safety-managing capacity_" he said, in a "I-am-helping-honestly" voice.

"Which means?" Kimmy said, resisting the temptation to strangle her sergeant with a piece of nearby tinsel, _That wouldn't be the holiday spirit_ she told herself continually, although at times even her craving for Christmas to be perfect was defeated by the sheer stubborn-mindedness of her colleagues.

"Sitting here watching you be safe" He said, removing his helmet.

"And if I'm not, what do you do?"

"Tell you to be safe"

"That's _IT!_"

"Yep."

Kimmy sighed loudly, and continued decorating the tree.

"Have you seen Samson?" Saunders said, looking round for his long-time fighting buddy.

"Nope, I think he left for something" She said, talking about him wouldn't help, but they had been in a truce lately. Then again, spending two weeks naked in a detention-block cell with someone would either make you calm down _OR ONLY ONE PERSON WOULD COME OUT._

"I'd still like to know who put us in there, though" she said, trying to rope a confession out of her boss.

"I _TOLD _you! it was killer space monkey-pirates from Jupiter!" Saunders said, in his ernest-voice.

"Yeah, riding pink heffalumps, I know." Kimmy sighed.

.

.

.

"Hehehe... This'll take her down a notch" Samson said, grabbing what he had been collecting from a nearby cave.

"Perfect" he grinned to himself, putting the item in his coolbox, it was time for him to bring his revenge.

.

.

.

"Where did you find a tree-seller at this time of the year?" Saunders asked conversationally, staring at the huge monstrosity where a certain circular-ish illegally modified smuggling ship had once stood.

"I dunno, maybe it was Father Christmas!" Kimmy giggled excitedly, grinning to herself at the idea of meeting the jolly-old-man.

"Father christmas doesn't exist." Samson said, stomping the snow off his boots, and then taking a seat on one of the empty decoration boxes

"Yes he does!" Kimmy pouted, stamping his foot

"No he doesn't!" Samson yelled back, clearly enjoying his antagonising.

"Oh yes he does, how else would everyone know what he looked like!" Samson paused, the Rookie may have a point, but he wouldn't admit that in a million years.

"He doesn't exist, Kimmy, Santa doesn't exist! It's all the corporations, man! They did it all! they convinced you, you're a sucker! The big corporations own your soul!" He mocked, it was cruel, but santa really _didn't _exist, and what better way to tell her that then to annoy her?

"Put you're gifts under the Tree, we'll open them tommorow." She instructed, her voice sharp like a schoolteacher who's just found out that someone has put a dead frog in their draw. Samson and Saunders did so, each putting down two presents, Kimmy went to her room and came, bent double with the effort, with two giant presents, and put them under the tree.

"Now, to bed. It's late and then the day'll come sooner!"

.

.

.

_It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. _SMASH! " AAAAAAH! DIE ALIEN SCUM!" Fwzaaap fwzaaap fwzaaap! _Or perhaps not._

"Samson, what is the racket!" Saunders yelled, turning on the light in the bedroom, and walking in. Kimmy ran in after him.

"Oh dear goodness! You shot Father Christmas!" she yelled staring at the fatman wearing the red coat (NO! don't close, he's not dead!) with the white fur

"I-I shot _Father Christmas!?!?!" _Samson yelled, staring at the man who was, indeed, _The _Jolly Fat Man. Kimmy ran over to the man,and checked the injuries.

"You only got his leg, at least, he'll be alright in a week or two." She said, relieved.

"How will I deliver the presents!" Moaned Father Christmas, as Kimmy and Saunders helped him onto one of the spare beds.

"we'll do it for you!" Kimmy said, a big grin spread over her face. _The Man laughed, and with a twitch of his nose, relaxed in bed_

"Okay, the three of you could, but I travel across dimensions! And have to be in every household!" He said, serious, but followed by a grandiose laugh "Ho Ho Ho!"

"We can do it! If we three work together we can manage!" Kimmy said, the grin now threatening to take over her face.

"No we won't!" Samson put in, well aware that it would mean leaving his bed,

"Shut up Samson! Yes we will!" Kimmy exclaimed joyfully.

"Of course you will! Thanks for it. You'll find The Slay in the hangar, my reindeer are ready to pull it for you." He said.

"Also, some fur outfits to keep you warm, here" _And with a twitch of his nose, three Christmas santa outfits appeared on them, Kimmy squealed and hid behind the tree_

"errrm... Could you make mine a bit less... skimpy... please?" she said through the bushes, Samson would have craned for a peak, but Kimmy appeared from behind the tree, now clad in a far more sensible outfit.

"Thanks" she mumbled, still in shock that she was speaking to Father Christmas.

"Now off you go, and remember, presents for all." Father Christmas said in his bellowing voice, laughing jollily as the ran – or in Samson's case slowly crept – to the slay waiting for them.

.

.

.

"This is the first house!" Saunders roared, the reindeer clattering their hooves onto the hard-tile roof.

Samson got out, and, with help from Kimmy, carried the big bag of toys (that somehow contained enough toys for everyone, it certainly weighed enough.)

"He said to just open the bag, and put the stuff into the chimney, then he'd magic it into the right places." Saunders yelled, from the comfort of the sled, clearly enjoying the antics of his friends.

"Yeah Yeah Yeah, you don't need to tell me. You going to give us a hand?" Kimmy enquired, heaving the heavy bag onto her shoulder.

"I'm helping watch" Saunders replied

"Not very helpful, though" Samson said, as he manhandled the bag back into its cradle in the sled.

A number of houses later, they had done pretty much all of the outer rim and the Territories, and begun on the Inner Rim.

"What's next?" Samson bellowed, staring at the cityscape of Coruscant- the planet that never sleeps- below.

"The Imperial Palace." Kimmy said, reading off the list, Samson snorted with laughter

"What's Palpatine asked for, then? A new Death Star, ten legions of Stormtroopers, and a new apprentice who doesn't try to betray him everytime he meets someone who could be of help?" Samson Joked,

"Nope, he wants, the _My little Tauntaun_ Pretty princess dress-up set." Kimmy said, in fits of giggles, it was even written in a green crayon, she passed the paper over to Samson, unable to control the laughter.

"how CUTE!" Samson guffawed,

"So he's getting some rocks then?" Samson said, all business.

"Pretty much, serve him right for controlling the universe as a maniacal evil dictator, eh?" Kimmy replied.

.

.

.

"Yuffie, come inside! It's freezing!" Tifa called from the doorway of the Seventh Heaven, it had been closed early for the winter.

"But I wanna look for Santa!" The younger girl whined.

"He only comes when nobody is awake!" Tifa advised.

"ok then!" Yuffie grinned, bouncing inside. Far ahead, a voice could be heard saying

"No, Samson, you CAN'T drop eggs on them, I don't care if you don't like crossover fics!" before disappearing into nothing...

.

.

.

"Chief, the Covenant invasion isn't here until tomorrow, now get some rest" Johnson bellowed from inside the base

"I can't, I'm waiting" the Master Chief said, staring into the starry night

"For what?" Jenkins asked out of the doorway.

"Santa." The Chief mumbled, causing roaring laughter from all of the Marines. Such was this laughter, that they did not hear the pattering of reindeer footsteps on the roof of their base, nor the cry of

"I wish I had my standard armour, then that wouldn't have hurt!" from a female voice, or the reply of

"Shut up and get back up here Kimmy!"...

.

.

.

"Well, that's it." Kimmy said, exhausted, but buzzing with adrenalin.

"Yeah," Samson said, patting one of the reindeer on the head

"Wait a minute, you said there wasn't such a thing as Father Christmas earlier!" Kimmy accused Samson, who merely shrugged.

"Guess I was wrong" he said simply

"Yeah." At that moment _Quick as a flash, old Saint Nick, came in from the ash_

"Now you lot off to bed, with ne'er a backwards-look, I still have one more house to do, now that I'm healed!" He chortled.

So off they went to their rooms, and soon as they arrived, fell sound asleep in their warm cozy beds.

Father Christmas filled the stockings with a wink of his eye, and flew out' the chimney, with a roar of delight, clambering into his sleigh, he turned to say "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!"

.

.

.

Merry Christmas from the author And all your characters here, Wolfey, Kimmy, Saunders, Samson, and the delivery man!

Watch for part 2 on Christmas day! I won't tell you any spoilers, but it'll result in the culmination of all that has gone missed in this.

And remember, whether to just say Merry Christmas, or give a criticism, please review!


	14. Christmas Special final Part

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Christmas Special

I do not own any characters, locations, poems, or anything else in this. Including songs.

,

,

,

Samson woke to kimmy's screeching from nearby, something alonmg the lines of "IT'S CHRIIIIIIISTMAS!" He didn't care, he was hungover, after all, _SOMEONE _had to drink all of the sherry left out for Father Christmas.

Careful not to disturb his screaming head, he lumbered into the bathroom and put on his snowtrooper uniform, eager to not disturb any of the small cratures which had nested in his closet, a place untouched by the ages.

.

.

.

Finally, Kimmy was beginning to sing tunelessley along to one of her favourites, "SO HERE IT IS MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN!" she screamed along to the song bellowing from the small jukebox.

"I didn't realise somethign so small could make so much noise!" Samson yelled over the din,

"Yeah it's a good jukebox!" Kimmy said back, turning down the music.

"I wasn't talking about it." Samson said in reply, giiving Kimmy what he would describe as "A Look" and what anyone else would describe as " Sort of, squinting short-sidedly with one eye turning to his nose, sort of thing" anyway, the overall effect was of a walrus with something on it's nose.

"Cheer up and open your present!" Kimmy said, chucking said item at him with great gusto. Samson grabbed it from the air with an upraised hand, and opened it. He stared at the contents.

"go on then, put them on!"Kimmy laughed, Samson pulled out the reindeer headband as if it was going to explode, or give him a disease, or possibly both. Kimmy grabbed them and shoved them over the top of his helmet, bursting out in laughter at the stupid sight.

"You look sooooooo adorable!" Kimmy yelled at him, he merely growled.

"Open yours." He said shortly, tossing the present to her. she opened it quickly.

"Eureeeyuck!" She squealed as a pile of rotten sewage fell onto her lap, listening to Samson's roaring laughs.

"Hear!" She shouted, throwing a particularly large lump at his face.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!" Saunders yelled, a dressing gown strapped over his armour.

"why didn't you remove your armour?" Kimmy laughed, she was still wearing the upperpart of her santa suit.

"Removing the armour leaves you open to attack." he said. Kimmy frowned and through the, well, the _breastplate _of her filthy armour at him, it hit with a sickening **SQUELCH**.

.

.

.

.......

Merry Christmas from the author, and please review.


	15. Chapter 15: Follow Samson! Part I

The Stormtrooper Chronicles

Chapter 15: Follow Samson! Part I

I apologize for not writing more just recently, I've been trying to write on an original idea I had, so it's taking up most of my time, anyway, on with the writing!

I do not own any characters, locations, poems, or anything else in this.

Kimmy was worried, partly because of the slightly open door to the canteen, but mostly because of the fact that there _wasn't_ a bucket of paint precariously perched ontop.

Frowning, she carefully walked to the door, and gently nudged it open. Inside the room was... nothing. No trap, dead falls, pits pranks, water balloons, or rampaging womp-rats were anywhere to be seen. She frowned, Samson wasn't anywhere nearby, and the greasy fingerprints of one of his typical pranks were nowhere to be seen. Hesitantly, she stepped foot, taking herself deeper into the darkness of the room. Silence filled her ears. she looked around, everything seemed quite normal. She caught site of Samson and Saunders eating at one of the tables.

'Morning' she said, and recieved a nod from both of them. She carefully walked over to the fridge, opened the door, and took out a few ready-to-eat meals from the bottom shelf. She put them carefully placed them onto her plate, eyeing Samson nervously, waiting for him to spring into action, paint-filled water pistols at the ready. _Hmmm... paint-filled water pistols_ she thought suddenly, _Well, if he hasn't I will!_ she grinned to herself. She took a seat next to the two other stormtroopers and placed her food in front of her. She looked at it nervously, to check if anything was wrong with it, and took a bite. Nothing happened, no foul-taste, and Samson's mocking laughter didn't fill her ears. He was planning something big, she realised, the only question was when he would unleash it. She spent most of the rest of the day patrolling, at exactly twelve she switched with Samson, who just nodded at her, before taking up his post. She walked into the mess hall, and saw that Saunders wasn't in there. Quickly, she snatched a bite to eat, and wandered out of the room. A screeching sound filled her ears, getting louder and louder...

Kimmy's eyes snapped open as she awoke from her slumber, the details of her dream still vivid in her mind. She got out of bed, and looked around, her clothes were scattered about the room, on chairs and on the floor, in the style of someone who had learnt long ago, that the floor was just a large cupboard.

'What a weird dream' she said to herself, rubbing her eyes. She got dressed and walked out of the room. Meanwhile, outside the room, a shadowy figure lurked, watching her as she walked out and set off down the corridor.

'Plan gamma is a go' it whispered into the wrist-comm.

'The cats are in the bag?' the voice on the other end enquired

'Who puts cats in a bag? What a cruel thing to do!' the shadowy figure replied, the dark husky sound of it's voice replaced by high-pitched whining.

'It's just a turn of phrase' the other person responded.

'Sure to you, but what about the poor cats!' The shadowy figure responded. The voice on the other end sighed, and switched the comm off.

TO BE CONTINUED

AUTHORS NOTE: Sorry I haven['t written in a little over a year, but I've been trying to write an original work for a while, and that's taken up a lot of my time. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and please review, even if it's negative, I don't care, as long as you take the time and effort to complain about it, it's great by me!


End file.
